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anneintoronto
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« Reply #15 on: 29-Nov-10, 05:13:23 AM » |
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This is hard... I don't think well "on the fly" these days...usually have to sit and think and then edit over and over again. But I am not going to throw out any excuses for how I write, how I think, how I feel. In this group, I now feel that they aren't necessary.
What I wrote earlier today, in fact through two sleepless nights, did come from my heart. A heart, I might add, that is feeling much warmer tonight. However, as perhaps I counted, not out of maliciousness, but out of a desire to find out where things really stand, I know that I pleased some people, made some people think for a minute, but I also hurt some people. And that does not warm my heart. It hurts it.
I am not a cruel person. In fact, my main "thing" that keeps me going through everything, is that I really care about people. Doesn't matter if it's a cherished friend or a street person, who has stopped to ask for a cigarette or a dollar... It's just the way I am.
And I hurt from the knowledge that I have not shown that I do care to some people, have in fact hurt them very much. And I can't just say, "Oh, I'm sorry!", because that won't fix what I have done. I got a personal email from one such person this afternoon. I don't know whether to say who or not, but I don't really think it will make any difference, as that person knows who they are, that I am talking to them. And that person has been badly hurt by me, is terribly, terribly angry. And I would be, too. I have gone out of my way to do that! But my hope, in doing that, was to get that person to say to me, that I don't know them, I don't understand what they are going through, don't have any idea what they love or how hard they work, to make this place work well for all of us. And that person is absolutely correct. For all my years in this group, there are areas of which I am totally ignorant. I have no justification for why. I won't make any excuses. But now I do know what that person feels, I do know how hard they work, I do know how hard it is to be separated by responsibilities. How hard things have been since Kodak dropped its support and left the survival to this person and their other inner group members to scramble for survival for all of us, our group. How hard it is to get volunteers to give from their hearts. And how terribly hard it is to try to be just one of the group, to be accepted just as a friend, to see dear friends drop out, breaking hearts and hope.
And now that I finally do know, have been rescued from my ignorance, all I can do is offer my hand in abject apology, offer my hand to start to correct wrongs done, offer my hand in friendship for that person. This person may be too angry to do that right away. I probably would be. So all I can do is repeat, as often as necessary, that I am glad that they yelled at me, got through my head that I have really, really not noticed all that is going on. Because now I know, for absolute sure and now I can do something about it. Now things can move forward, at whatever pace that person wants. And I do see a new friendship, where someday, we will look back, wonder how it all happened and laugh at what nuts we both were. I can but hope. Just a warning to that person -- I am very persistent, I won't go away, I do mean that I care for people and whether that makes any sense now, I do...
What I wrote about earlier, was partly an old dream, a wispy picture of times when I was happier, not so stressed, not so angry, not so hurt. When my life started to get difficult, I always had the discussion board to help me center myself, collect my wits to make it through another day. That made this whole group very important to me... And to know that I could share some of my knowledge, some of my friendship to share with the people and very importantly all of my love for Mariah and Kaver and their wonderful families was wonderful. This group has been my center, my solid hold on reality at its best. And this is why I dream of things as they used to be.
But that is not realistic. I know that. But today, with your responses, I see that the "old group ways" are indeed still here, still flow from my screen. I also know, now that I have a new life, that I have to catch up with the new realities -- FaceBook, texting...just for starters. I didn't have time or ability to learn about these things before. Just couldn't. But now I can and will! I find it all very exciting! But it also means I am going to be bugging people to show me how to do these things. For although I have had a computer since 1979, was on the internet when it was just newsgroups, I have slipped behind the times badly, when I could do nothing else. But I will learn and will perhaps find even more of what I've been missing...
Thank you all for tolerating my dreams, my yearnings, my variant moods. I know that I can be annoying. But I am just a person, the same as all of you. We do the best we can and when that best is none too good, then our friends help us, guide us, so that we regain our footing. I now know that I have more than just a close group of friends from this group. I now know that there are a lot of people out there that do care, don't want me to go away. So thank you from the bottom of my heart -- the one from which I wrote to you earlier today. You did not let me down. Somehow I knew you wouldn't...or I wouldn't have written at all.
Anne in Toronto
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